There are gains and losses with cancer.  I will ponder the gains later.  I know that’s unexpected.

The losses make more sense.  I took pride in my health, which I tried to maintain.  That’s hard in an obsessively hard working career, when nothing is enough and there is always the choice of, what do I not do as well as I truly want to do?  Even so, I always tried to eat well, do something physical, and avoid some of the worst habits.

With cancer, in this case a random mutation not thought related to infections, bad habits, risky behaviors, or even known genetic risks, the idea of “being healthy” is gone.

I also thought of myself as able to work harder, accomplish more, do more of what had to be done, compared to anyone else I knew.  I looked at being a hard worker as insurance against disasters.  And as my duty.

Now, the fatigue is omnipresent.  Before the cancer diagnosis, I thought it was aging.  I don’t mind that.  Everyone gets older.  What I didn’t know was, there was a cancer sapping energy too.

With the big tumor gone, and a few months of healing from surgery, I have to look at fatigue as part of the new status quo.  Or, in current words, the “new normal”.

Is it the presence of microscopic cancers? Residual products of the original tumor? Maybe, some malnourishment.  I’ve lost 30 pounds, mostly fat but some muscle mass.  With frequent diarrhea, and early satiety – feeling full with smaller portions, due to removal of half of my stomach – there may be some malabsorption.    Then there’s the Gleevec, with fatigue as a major side effect.

My oncologist suggested depression, as well as the Gleevec.  It’s true, with cancer there is grieving, but I don’t think this fatigue is due to depression.

I don’t mind the fatigue, too much.  It forces me to stop trying to always accomplish things.  But there are challenges.

I’m best in the am.  In the afternoon, I crash.  Usually at mid afternoon.  That makes work more difficult.  My schedule now is, full day Monday, off Tuesday.  Half days wed and thurs.  Then full day Friday.  That gives me Tues and Sat to recover from the full days.  The half days were am and pm, now both am, which should help.

Being “off” is a loaded term.   “At work” means seeing patients, continuous, with responses to calls, faxes, pharmacy and nursing, interspersed.  There are no breaks.  “Not at work” leaves follow up of tests, documentation, more pharmacy and email.  “Off work” is as much work as “at work”, but with fewer interruptions, less multitasking, and more self paced.

I’ve been working on how to do that on-line off-site work, better.  It was a challenge before cancer.  Many of my colleagues have quit over it.

I can’t quit.  My health insurance, including the Gleevec (wikipedia states $60,000 per year) comes via my work.  So does life insurance.  I’m not willing to accept, that I can’t provide that benefit for my partner to carry on when I die.  Work gives purpose to my life.  I value many of the people who I work with, and the day to day human contact.  Without that, I think I would become very depressed.

My oncologist wanted me to stop the Gleevec, temporarily.  I am not willing to do that.  Frankly, I think it’s unwise.  Gleevec appears to work by stopping growth of cancer cells.  Allowing cancer cells to grow, increases the chances of them becoming resistant to the medication.  The limited alternatives to Gleevec, such as Sutent, do not appear easier to take compared to Gleevec.  I want to save that for if/when my cancer mutates to resist the Gleevec.  Today I emailed my oncologist,  asking to continue Gleevec without a “drug holiday.”

So, I’ll continue to work on pacing myself.  I’ve made some dietary adjustments to help with diarrhea and nausea – separate post – and that might help a little with fatigue.  The schedule adjustment should also help.